This particular day my friend Vanny was over at my place for a playdate with her two girls. We had known each other for a couple years now and always seemed to naturally connect. I felt like I needed to be more vulnerable and share with her my recent struggles. They were affecting me and my clan. We stood in my kitchen slicing pieces of chocolate chip banana bread for our kids and I decided it was time to share. My heart raced, and I let it out:
“I’ve been struggling with cussing to myself and sometimes out loud from all the pressure that’s on me as a mom and feeling so overwhelmed.”
She was now the first to know, along with my husband.
Vanny looked at me with eyes of understanding and compassion, not judgment which I feared.
“I get it. I do too, at times.”
I couldn’t believe it. She struggled with this too?
I slowly felt the burdens of guilt, shame, and fear being lifted. I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t a horrible mom. The truth was that I didn’t just have a cussing problem. I had a heart problem.
Spewing careless words from my lips revealed a deeper struggle with control (okay, major struggle!) and anger over things not going my way. I felt I just couldn’t meet all the needs of my children at once, and I became the kind of Mama I never hoped to be.